The CSI's Really Fun and Kewl Trip to Blockbuster
by iboneki
Summary: Response to Kimonkey7's April Fools Bad Fic Challenge. Good times, people.


April Fools Bad Fic Challenge Items: (from everybetty) 

**Location:** Blockbuster Video**  
Weapon:** a man's tube sock**  
Evidence:** Chinese food containers**  
Line:** "But it hurts when I do that"

**Warnings:** spelling, grammar, punctuation, cliches, fangirlspeak, Lennie Briscoe, frozen cod

**Summary:** Nick and Grissom… oh nevermind I suck at summarys lolz JUST READ IT PLZ r&r

**A/n:** I don't own nick but he is sooooooo hottttt!111

* * *

It was another normal day at the Las Vegas Nevada United States Police Department's Forensic Crime Lab. 

Grissom and Nick had to answer a call of a dead body by themselves because Warwick had to console Kathryn who is crying because Sam Braun killed 28 people and Sara is at home cultivating her butterfly colony. Because she believes butterflys are symbolic of her butterflyed love with her boss Grissom who she really loves and he loves her because of the way he looked at her that one time she wiped chalk off his face.

And so Nick Stokes smiled a happy smile as he followed his boss into the local Blockbuster Video. It wasnt often he could kill two birds with one stone. Maybe he could even get two things done at once tonight. He returned his _Sesame Street: Follow that Bird_ DVD into the return drop and then kept following his boss.

They ducked under bright yellow crime scene tape labeled "CRIME SCENE – DO NOT CROSS" and saw that David the Coronaer was already checking out the body in the TV on DVD section.

"There is some kind of chinese chicken all around the body. No sign of MSG. But it appears that someone took a man's tube sock and suffocated him. He must of just pulled as hard as he could pull until he didn't have to pull anymore because the dude couldn't breathe in anymore air at all."

"Yes" Brass said.

"It looks like there was a struggle for a DVD. This guy wanted it, until…"

"Somebody socked it to'm" someone who wasn't Grissom said.

Nick and Brass both looked up in confusionness that someone stole Grissom's Official Can of Crime Scene Cheez Wiz. In Grissom's place was a tall guy standing there.

"Lennie Briscoe!" Brass yelled, "From TV's _Law and Order_!"

"The one and only, fellas"

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to rent Hot Shots 2"

"Where's Grissom?"

Suddenly a DVD case flyed over and hit Nick in the forehead, giving him a massive gushing head wound.

"THE SIGN SAYS THEY GUARANTEE TO HAVE SEASON 2 OF _THE L WORD_ IN STOCK!" Grissom screamed loudly.

"You watch that" Nick asked as blood dripped all over himself everywhere.

"Jesus Christ, Nick, who doesn't watch it? Now I'll never find out if Dana and Alice stayed together!"

Grissom stared at the shelves and pouted in a pissed off way while Nick turned back to the detectives that were doing their super secret new york cop handshake.

"You are my hero!" shouted Brass. "Let's get out of here."

The two detectives fought over who has the snarkier snark as they walked out the door and into the night holding hands.

"He's been dead about an hour," David said to no one, since no one he was in the room with was listening.

Nick decided the only way to stop his bleeding was taking off his shirt and revealing his hott sexy body. Well that did the trick and so now he was busy watching _Return of the King_ being shown on all the monitors around the store. "So this guy was killed around the time that elf chick bitched and moaned to her daddy in Riverside. A lull in the action. Understandable" Nick said.

He crouched down next to the body. The sock smelled nasty, much like an old gym sock after being sweated on.

"Only one sock was used in this crime. Do you KNOW what this means?"

"His left foot is cold?" David the Coronaer said.

"Not only do we have a Shcezshuan Strangler on the loose, but he's ARMED. With the OTHER SOCK."

David quivered and shook and said he had to get back to the lab and he ran out the door real fast. Grissom finally was back over looking at the body even though they didn't have his DVDs.

"Judging by the girth of the sock's two red stripes, it seems our suspects include the entire 1981 Indiana Hoosiers basketball team" Grissom said.

"Yes" Nick said.

"We need to interview all the employees who were in here at the time of this crime."

They found that the only person on duty was a pimpley face teenager named Derek Elliot Winchester III. He didn't appear to be traumatically upset by the vicious spilling of blood on the very carpet he vacuums nightly. This may be do to the fact that he was originally from Des Moines, Iowa, but moved to Hobbes, New Mexico when his mom got a job as a parttime play by play rollerderby announcer. He ran away from home at the age of 16 and was apprenticed to a professional Civil War reenacter named Sven and even got to fake gut someone in the fake Second Battle of Bull Run. But after an unfortunate accident involving the fake General Lee and some frozen cod, Derek found himself on the run again and this time landed in Los Vegas. He is working on getting his diploma from home and his major is TV/VCR Repair. He got a job at Blockbuster to help pay for his collection of Digimon cards. And so he told Grissom and Nick he didn't know anything about the guy with a sock around his neck.

"I don't know anything about the guy with the sock around his neck."

"That's all well and good but I'm going to have to swab you now anyways."

Derek looked scared. Suddenly, he flashed back to when he was 5 years old

(&#(&(#&#(&#(&#&(#&(&--... FLASHBACK >> .>>&#R(&#&#&&&&#&!)#&#&#

_I'm sorry son, we can't meet David Hasselhoff today._

_NO DADDY NO DADDY NIGHT RIDER NIGHT RIDER WAAAAHHHH_

_Derek now that's enough. The line of cars waiting to get into the mall is running all the way back onto the highway. Were not going._

_WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

/ >>> .&#$&... END OF FLASHBACK )))((&&)!&!#&.> >>/...'''

Nick swabbed what he was suppose to and then stuck the swab in the special swab holder and stuck it in the back pocket of his really tite abercrombie spraywash beat up tons o holes jeans.

"Grissom, I think there is some kind of body fluid on the floor by the dead body." Nick pointed to dark stains on the sock and the floor. Grissom kneeled down on the floor and peered closely at the dark spots. Then he leaned down and licked the carpet and nodded knowingly.

"Soy sauce"

"Look there's a trail!" Nick pointed and jumped up and down!

Grissom and Nick followed the trail of soy sauce until it led them to one of the hollow section dividers. It had a hole in it! They both crawled in side and were shocked at the sight that set before their seeing eyes.

Emtpy chinese takeout containers were strone all over the place in the mist of a puddle of soy sauce. A few of the containers still had some food left in them and Grissom ate a few bites of lo main before picking something off the ground with his latex covered gloved hand.

"Nick, I want you to process this egg roll. Work it up ok not just prints and ASL (a/n: 23/F/ohio guyz IM me k?), I want it thoroughly probed."

"But it hurts when I do that!"

"Dont make me come do it for you"

Nick sighed and picked up the egg roll as Grissom continued to swab the empty takeout containers. Grissom noticed something shiney underneath one of the containers. He brushed off some kung pao chicken and screeched in exitement. "I'VE FOUND THEM!"

He was so busy hugging the L Word dvds to his chest he didn't notice the tube sock slink up behind Nick's neck like a peculiar yet shadowy figure with an ethered cotton cloth and pull him backwards by his neck.

"GLUHGHUHUHAHUHUHHG" Nick said.

"Yes Nick, Glenda did have the hots for Jenny in season 1," Grissom said without looking up.

When Grissom finally looked up at Nick he only saw the end of his foot leaving the secret little cardboard cave filled with chinese food.

"NICK" he yelled and hurried back out insuring he clutched his DVDs in his hand. He was in aw when he got back to the outer part and saw that the store worker Derek Elliot Winchester III had a tube sock tied around Nicks neck and was pulling even harder as a fine sheene of sweat covered Nick's Abercrombie Model (a/n i luv the 1 on pg 127 of the spring catelog!) abs.

"JUST STOP RIGHT THERE" Derek yelled.

"There is no way out Derek. We found you're dinner and we know you killed that dead guy over there" Grissom said.

Derek pulled a little harder on the sock causing Nick to go "GLLUHHGHG"

Derek laughed "There's something you guys should know."

"We already know you killed him" Grissom stared meanily.

But Derek just laughed again and grabbed the side of his face and thrusted upwards, peeling off his own skin-like mask of skin.

Everyone in the store stood shocked like a bolt of lightning hitting a transformer which carried a current to a socket that had a giant high voltage taser plugged into it at what used to be Derek and gasped—

"OLD MAN JOHNSON!"

"That's ri— oh, shit, wrong one" he mumbled and pulled off a second mask only to reveal—

"Nigel Crane!" gasped Grissom as Nick passed out in afraidness, loosing conscience in mere seconds.

"That's right. I found the best way of getting my revenge was living inside a Blockbuster and following the lives of a group of close-knit lesbians living in Los Angeles via DVD. NOW GIVE ME THE BOXSET OR NICK GETS SOCKED."

"Nigel. We found you're food containers. We followed the trail of soy sauce. You've been caught"

"Looks like its Nick who has been caught ha ha ha" he laughed.

"No, Nigel" Grissom said holding up the slip of paper with a fortune written on it that came from inside of the fortune cookie that Nigel ate after he finished his moo goo guy pan. "I found you're fortune. And it says 'You will surrender and be arrested today. Lucky Numbers 21 94 14 98 73 56.'"

Grissom smiled smugly and Nick woke back up. He thought Nigel was going to give himself up when suddenly Nigel smiled big.

"It just so happens that 73 really is my lucky number! AHAHAaaahaha" Nigel exclamated and shoved Nick into Grissom, who dropped the L Word dvds and Nigel scooped them up and ran out the door into the foggy night.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Grissom yelled like a freshly birthed Darth Vader as he ran to follow Nigel but he tripped over Nicks body and fell to the floor crying.

Suddenly Grissoms phone rung and he answered it "Grissom!"

Nick still had the sock around his neck but was to tramatized to take it off. He watched his boss smile happily into the phone before he finally hung up and turned happily to Nick.

"That was Brass and Lennie! They just ran over Nigel with the Denali! But the DVDs survived!" Grissom said

Nick looked up with sad and imbelieving puppy dog eyes.

"So… it's over" said Grissom with a blank face like a supervisor who is so completely badly out of touch with the feelings of his employees.

"Yea its over!" said Nick like a happily squashed bug.

The two CSIs grabbed some junior mints from the counter and went over to Brass'es house for a DVD marathon and lived happily ever after til Sam Braun came over and killed them all.

* * *

**The Sweet Merciful End. Thanks, Kim! **

**o ya plz review lolz  
**


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